being me

You swing me to the white
You swing me to the black
You hold me so firmly
In the grays between


The exhilaration of the trajectory
Both rewards and hurts
And at the hands of you
Suggests a reason too


Up there
I see no one 
Only a familiar rhythm
It confuses and
It angers


But when you pull me
Back in your arms
I know
So why it be


Yes we are unequals
Yes we are unbalanced
And thats how maybe
We're supposd to be


The twisting and aching
The victories and gains
I choose to swing with you only
And no one else

Is it just me?

So, is it just me or do people of my age, at similar stage experience this discomforting, unsettling sense of life passing by.

Currently, to me, my life resembles a time table, where every activity, even including the ones like spend time with family, read, listen to music, is given a fixed start and end. I am struggling to move beyond the routine. There are times when I really want to sit up late and watch a movie but the thought of morning office, travel etc scares me to sleep. And then there have been times, when I am sitting with a friend in a coffee shop  wishing for time to pause so I can at least enjoy the coffee, the friend, the environment, my life (!!) without having to worry how to manage x-y-z.

Just the other day, I was thinking all this aloud with my younger brother and I worded this feeling very accurately. "I fear that this daily routine is overshadowing or will overshadow the higher purpose of my life"

Is there a higher purpose even? If there is one, is it accomplished by doing the regular stuff or does it require special attention? Gautam Buddha, after all, did give up on his worldly life.

Yes, I believe there exists a higher purpose of life. But do I need to know this higher purpose of  life for its pursuit or will it unfold itself in the course of my life?

I fear, really badly fear, getting stuck in the rut. Getting used to this routine. Ironically, at present, I am literally slogging my ass off to create this routine. It hits me real hard sometimes. This life and its purpose question.

Am I creating the life I want or I am deviating from it? I do have a vision for my life but I cannot compromise on everyday happiness, fulfillment for it. Is this higher purpose of life sacrificial in nature?

As a kid, I knew exactly what I wanted and why. I was rigid and stubborn. I remember this one time after my 10th board exams, I had given an aptitude test which advised me against taking up journalism. My parents echoed the test results. They were concerned. And I was furious. Then my argument was 'how can some 100 questions determine my life course.' I took up journalism, studied it for 5 years and then changed my field, once I stepped in to the professional phase.

Now, I am thoroughly confused.

So, what is it really? Is life actually about casting oneself into this sleep-work-eat-work-sleep loop or is it purely following your heart? Many may say that it is about balancing the both. I ask to them- aren't you confused then?

When I ask these questions to people around me, majority of them excuse themselves saying "you think too much. Dont think so much."

How can I not think? Now is thinking a voluntary action? I just think and sometimes, I don't even realize I am. Sometimes I speak things/ ideas which I think I have vaguely thought about but when I say them aloud, they flow out it such precision that then I start to think how and when did i come to think of it so clearly.

This thinking stuff makes for another blogpost entirely.

Back to my thoughts on life...I need to clearly figure them I guess. I need to better organize these random ideas & beliefs about it I just threw up in this post.

But how does one stop thinking about these things? Isn't it plain natural? Should one not think of all this if it comes to him?

Care what you share?

At the outset of this post, let me agree with some of you who believe that I am having a sort of a 'content' hangover. I am. And so, this one is a follow up on the previous post and once again, attempts to decode the 'content significance' mystery.

We all share updates and links on our various social profiles. While some may employ this for genuine dissemination of interesting information or even better, to spread knowledge, there are others who use this merely as a tool to scream out their likes and dislikes. Now, I don't have a problem with the latter but if online personality perceptions are based on the content shared then I think we need to rethink. 

On my twitter timeline, i realize that there are two sorts of content propagators: 1) who tweet their own content & 2) who provide links to content not produced by them. Both are fair and totally justified actions. 

However, when I see a person tweeting excessively, say about 20 tweets per day, I often wonder if he even known whats written in there? Correct me if I am wrong but my imagination fails me when I think of so much information assimilation for an individual. 

And I certainly have a problem if a person is sharing content without going through it himself. Why? Simply because online medium believes 'content is king' and thus, I form my opinions and beliefs on the nature & kind of content being shared. And if content is being shared unthoughtfully, I am being cheated. 

Maybe I am being cynical about the whole content sharing business but I believe that somehow we have taken 'content is king' mantra for granted for the online medium and are overlooking other important elements which actually govern online behaviour. 

For one, I am really wary of desperate, wannabe influencers, who may use the apparently impressive, 20-links per day strategy or even bloggers, who blog not for the sake of content/information but in order to create clout and followers. I know of people, who keep daily track of their increase in followers and write anything, just anything, to keep those followers entertained and hooked. I wonder if the latter will ever realize, in such cases, that they are being consumed than the content. 

I believe that a real influencer thinks and knows. He can explain and debate. He is an observer and an analyzer. Simply put, he may send out just one blog per week or even tweet a day but the content in that one post will be information rich and fact furnished.

And I question this way because I do not share anything online without completely assimilating the piece. Do you do the same? Do you care what you share?

 

mine?

suspended into nothingness
with a reign of uniformity
without a hint of reality
loosley floating

tangled happiness
knotted dreams
which string do i pull?
which one belongs to me?


ps: will be transporting my poems from the old blog and the post script will contain the original date of writing. This one - May 2, 2007

Now I'll tell what is the problem with this world

Ok! i'll tell you what is the problem with this world! It is contained in the people of this world and ....(gear up! for the revelation......)

..is the lack of EMPATHY in them.

One episode, of the hundreds i come across daily, will perfectly tell you why and how. It really freaked me out!

Time : 7.00 pm 'ish
Place: in a local BEST bus, Mumbai

Scene: The bus was crowded, actually over crowded as usual and people clambered in, groping here and there and gripping almost anything for support. I found a relatively convenient spot to stand and with my bag, a wet umbrella and a plastic bag, stretched and held the bar above for balance.

Once settled, i looked around and noticed that there were almost 12 seats reserved for ladies. Now, i knew there were this sort of reservation for woman but 12 seats!!! ....(pause) ...ok, taken, 12 seats and on the other side, i saw 4 seats reserved for senior citizens and 4 for handicapped (or was it 2?)

anyways, soon an old grandpa sort uncle came and stood beside me. That poor man was short and could hardly reach the bar above. He was trying hard to stand still. I looked at him and turned away in a typical life-is-like-that conclusion but then immediately i turned to the seats for the senior citizens.

while 2 seats were occupied by an old couple, the other two had an apparently educated, young girls sitting and they were friends. I know this coz they were constantly chattering. The short, old uncle was standing right in front of them. So, they cannot give an excuse that they did not see him.

I waited for a while to see if they rightfully give him his seat but they did not. Furious, i asked uncle where he would get down. He told me, " nahi nahi..yaha nahi...door hai"(No..no..not here...its far). I told him to ask one of the girls to get up coz the seat was reserved for him. I was loud and we were close enough to the girls and they had stopped their giggling and were looking at us with a blank face. I looked at them and so did the uncle. They both looked away.

I told him that there are so many seats for women, its ok if he asks them to get up. Again, he turned to the girls and now they were pretending to be oblivious. The uncle turned to me, smiled and said, "rehne do...ladki log hai, kaha khade honge bheed mein" (let it be. they are young girls. it will be difficult for them to stand in a crowded bus).

I looked at the girls once again and I know they were listening to our conversation but they did not respond. I was angry, like really angry. I wanted to scream at them for their disrespect not only to the old man but also to civic rules.

I kept staring at them and they returned a few back but this did not fetch any action. they continued sitting, i continued standing, getting infuriated and staring at them in the hope that at least one of them would get up and the old uncle, well, he continued with his struggle to keep balance.

Even writing this is making me want to slap those irresponsible, immature creatures. I am the last person to lend any adjectives, especially negative ones, to people. but i feel these girls crossed the limits within no time.

I do not expect anyone, including these girls, to offer seats to the elderly if it is unreserved (now, whether there should be any this sort of reservation at all or not, we'll talk later) seat, it is entirely up to an individual. But in this case, the old uncle rightfully deserved his seat.

However, he did not get one because the girls wrongly did not give it to him. What is the with people expecting good and fair behaviour from others but conveniently ruling out themselves from it? Havent they heard and be taught that treat others as you would like them to treat you. Really! How difficult is to understand that?


And mind you, I have seen these similar sort of young girls, who feel no qualms in asking an old man to get up from a seat reserved for woman! Imagine!!

This is just one of the several cases which happen everyday. Trains, buses, traffic laws and just a glance around the city and my simple conclusion everytime is - lack of civic sense, which stems from lack of empathy.
If you like a clean city, don't throw that chips packet anywhere but in a dustbin. But instead what each one does is, complain and expect others to not do it.

when will they start?
when all start!

and

when will all start?
when one starts!

and i don't throw chips packets, or anything for that matter, in the open. So, i can rightfully criticize.

I am sick and tired of an indifferent city. All the Mumbai spirit we talk about is rather easy to ooze out when a terrorist is at the doorstep or other calamities coming knocking. But what happens on a day-to-day basis? what spirit does the city hold then?
Dont give me the regular Not-everyone-is-like-that-shit again 'coz the majority is like this.

Hope someday it improves. If you wonder do i do my bit? Yes! i do and it is not very difficult. Just some common sense is all one needs.

Dont do it for the society but do it for yourself.The efforts will be self sustaining.
'Coz someday when everyone is doing it for themselves, they all will be collectively doing it for the society.

Contextualize this to villages, towns, cities and even nations at large and just imagine, how much better the world will be.

Phhhewww.....someday...

Sigh

I changed the boat in the middle of the sea

Its high time I write about what i do workwise or rather what i want to do. I am currently working in a PR agency in Mumbai.

Now, for people who know me but are not updated of my latest career shift, this might come as a bit of a surprise. For, my friends and classmates always saw a fiery, passionate journalist in me. Not their fault. After all, in my bachelors and masters course, i did specialize in journalism and left no stone unturned to give them that impression.

In my college classrooms, particularly in my graduate school, I always had very serious questions bearing significance to the society at large. And i was truly concerned. I wanted to change the world. My blood boiled each time i witnessed violation of law in public space, abuse of power and disregard for the people of my country. There were other professions like IAS, politics, law  which i could have adopted to pursue my change-the-world mission but i chose journalism. My reason was i loved writing. Journalism, for me, was a marriage between my two passions.

So, i studied the subject and heard and observed and pitched and interviewed and wrote and got published. In 5 years, i have finished 6 internships in print media industry. And then i was suddenly off it.

However, fresh out of post grad college, I still took up a job (coz I did not know what i wanted to do if not journalism and so i thought of at least starting work and figuring out what i wanted to do) as a trainee corresponent in one of the most prestigious news magazine in India. I was there exactly for three weeks and then i resigned. Why? Because although the profile was exactly what i was looking for, the work environment was pathetic. Now, when i look back at it, I cannot imagine myself then. crying, cribbing, cursing, complaining. I could not feel the blood in my veins. Could not feel my heart beat and my mind think. And i am not exaggerating any of this.

One fine morning i went up to the boss and blurted all of the above. She was willing to change, to make accomodations for my comfort but something in me strongly rejected the proposition. I just did not want to stay any longer. So, without a job in hand, I walked out.And man!!! did i feel good or what! What a sense of liberation! of ownership of myself! what revelry! and what happiness!

I gave a shit about the huge brand i was walking over, of whatever people said and i was happy. Here i must mention, that these 3 weeks were the toughest not only for me but also for my family and closest friends.

I was at home now, back to job hunting and this required me to be on the internet 24x7. And then social media came! Wouldnt be wrong it say that it was love at first encounter for me! I loved the idea of social media marketing. The fact that it had the power to allow me, as a brand, to talk to my real customers excited me. I sensed a huge potential and started my research. Ketan, my friend in US studying marketing and currently interning with a social media firm helped me further by recommending websites like mashable, tech crunch etc. He educated me on the social media scene in US and its inevitable growth in India.

I reached out to my PR and advertising friends from Symbi requesting them to share their resources-ppts, books etc as digital marketing was a module for them. I would like be honest here and confess that i did regret for a brief time that i did not come across this before. I would have opted for PR or advertising but its better late than never. I decided only to focus ahead from hereon.

I read extensively on SM (social media), absorbed information and began activities on my twitter, facebook and blog. Currently, I am working with Ketan on our own something on SM! I cant wait to get started on it!

rewind to 2 months back, I was finding it very difficult to find an SM profile for me - with no experience, no internships, no academic backing on the subject but only words to convey my passion and love for the field. It was not enough. While some needed an MBA degree, some needed work experience. It was not working out for me.
So, i went ahead with the PR profile offer i had and started work once again. I was careful this time to study my boss (at the interview), feel the vibe of the place and have a look at my team I was satisfied and here began my journey on the other side of journalism-in a Public Relations agency. And i am enjoying!

Luckily, the current job gives me substantial time each day to update myself on SM happening and networking for it. I am reading more about it and 'lurking' on SNS to observe and learn how business is done here. And yes, my next destinaton most definitely is an SM job.

Does it feel weird then when i meet or talk to my journo friends? Initially it did. I could have been a journo being pursued by a PR person but here i was the PR convincing journalists. It felt weird and to an extent unfair but then it grew on me. I came to terms with the change, with my new career plans, with my goals and my life.

I am happy and I am proud of myself for being there for me, when i needed the most. I am glad i stood up for my passion and belief.

Changing the boat in the middle of the sea was sure risky but, i tell you, totally worth it! i'm loving it and how! :)

The First Step

So this one is about being courageous and confident and taking that FIRST STEP which can break any wall or even ice! 

My last week, actually last month has been all about this.

~ finally credited Zainab for inspiring me to write more. (I was skeptical about writing on this 'coz i thought that may constitute to me giving importance to her and after college we havent been in good touch. But she is a darling and i couldn't kept myself from this)

~i wrote about her too, which i had been postponing again due to the above reason but i did it anyway in the previous post and she realized it was her out of nowhere. I had not even thought what would i do, say if she reads but then it all fell into place and for all the good reasons (or so i suppose!)

~started tweeting. earlier i found the idea of tweets extremely useless and rather annoying. for one thing, i never knew what to 'tweet'. i did not want to post annoying tweets like i found few of my friends do. But one fine day in office, i just let go of all inhibitions and went on to explore! and i am enjoying and how! its extremely resourceful and flooded with amazing, interesting people from whom u can learn so much if u will.

~i have stopped reacting to nonsense and in fact, learned to ignore it all together. I used to be so affected by people but now, i guess, its draining off from me. hope i continue like this FOREVER
.

~i went ahead and told my friend ketan, who is in the US, that i miss him and had a superbly heart warming conversation. earlier, i used to hold back myself coz i always assumed he has moved on (friendship wise! ) or 'drifted apart' as he once put and i did not want to look stupid sharing my nostalgia and feelings with him. (BUT what is so wrong in looking stupid. there is a difference between 'looking' stupid and 'acting' stupid. Looking stupid is more subjective i guess. new blog topic!)

~I have started commenting on blogs and news articles. Again, the reason for not doing it in the past was this constantly poking-torturous feeling of being imperfect and being judged mediocre (and how bad can that really be!? i so overact to things!). I began sending out my opinions and ideas to the world just last week and i feel good and in a strange way, liberated.

~My travel from home to work and back takes a total of 3 hours i.e. 1.5 hours one way. Since, while on my way back, i easily get a seat in the train, I have started sharing it with other travelers who stand. Say, after after about 45-50 mins of sitting, i give my away my seat. Earlier, i avoided doing this coz no one ever offered me their seat. i used to clamber and balance, jerk and stretch but none of the sitting members bothered. But then I decided to go with my heart and trust me, its one of the most effective ways to make someone happy. I hope the goodness spreads!

~I talk to my father about a lot of everyday stuff. Before i never bothered to let him know about my life. If he asked, he got the answers but i never volunteered. Then, i read 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and something in me changed for good. Now, even if he does not ask me, i tell me coz i want him to know and i want to know him more.

So, these are the different areas where i had been contemplating taking the first step but i never did coz i did not want to look stupid. I never wanted to show that i care, that i feel, that i have a heart coz i did not want to feel/be vulnerable.

I am not a person who does not express, who believes that there are some unsaid things in the world. I believe in the power of expression and like i have said before, in the power of love.

This way of living also let you know who, among your people, are genuinely concerned, truly care and absolutely love. speaking from experience here!

Moral of the story: About whatever it is, you are contemplating making the first move. Just do it. It will help you become a better person. Most definitely.

My new white shoes and more.....

Last Saturday, i bought myself white ballet shoes and since then, I'm dressing in a way appropriate to include it in my 'look' (for the lack of word right now). So, today I'm in green and beige stripes skirt, black top and WHITE SHOES! now, you may think the colours are incompatible with each other but strangely, they fit fine! the bright white on my feet is making me happier than the pizza i had last night! and FYI a pizza really really makes me happy!

Then there is the cacophony of thoughts in my mind and i cannot comprehend any of them. Marketing-gym-blank-blank-love-gym-clothes-books-blank.....This was a small example i pulled out from there for you. So there is a lot, i am aware, and i have decided to let it settle down before i  start my analysis.

Barring the mind, the routine life is happy and easy. At work, stuff is simple and well, rare. As in, i rarely do the work i am being paid for. No! its not me! its just that there is only so much work! I am satisfied with it, however. I am learning at a slow pace which allows things to sink in deep (or so i think!) and i also get substantial time each day to explore what i am going to step into in sometime from now (how precise!).

I read up a lot on social media these days and there is so much out there about it. More on this later. Right now, I am more interested in just unfolding myself with this post.

While going through a friends blog, stumbled upon a blog which belongs to someone from my post grad college. I had limited interaction with her while we were arrested on our isolated hill top campus. Had been to her room just 2-3 times and i instantly took a liking to her then. i vividly remember this collage of her friends pictures she had up her wall. Her side of the room spoke a language i could not understand but relate to. She was 'my type' and i always gave her my warmest smiles.

But i never went beyond that, never initiated a talk or sat with her over breakfast/lunch/dinner. I concluded it would be rather weird, for her and me, if i did all this and expressed my inclination to her. So, i held myself back and gradually, she dissolved into 'others'. Only, today, this blog resurfaced the inexplicable familiarity.

The two years i spent there taught me a lot, to say the least. I do not wish to explain myself here. It was life changing. In both, good and bad ways. Period.

Digressing, I cleaned and sorted my cupboard over the weekend. I just cannot discard old clothes and books. It was tough and i still retained a few merely for memories sake. But now there in enough space for new things to come in. Metaphorically, a lesson in philosophy. Taken.


It is raining heavily these days and as i have said before on this blog, i love the sound of it. Yesterday, was drenched from head to toe and i walked to my house from station to enjoy the showers a little longer.

..and then Morrie told me a secret!

Yesterday I read 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and after a very..very long time, a book moved to the extent that there were silent tears streaming down my cheeks. After a long time indeed.

I feel sad that i never had a teacher like Morrie in my life. I  always hoped to meet someone so inspiring, always was on a look out . I tried my best to know my teachers, to talk beyond the classrooms, tried my best to squeeze out all their wisdom, their ideas and opinions but none of them could become a Morrie to me.
Something was always lacking.

Yesterday, while reading the book, while on one hand the grief of absence of such a figure grew, on the other i simply could not fathom the will of a human being. where does it begin and where does it end? what is the limit? actually, is there a limit at all?

I loved the aphorisms Morrie came up with.
~ Love each other or perish

~ Dying is only one thing to be sad over. Living unhappily is something else.

..and there are so many more. His conclusion and teaching, of someone walking towards his mortal end and assessing his journey, was 'LOVE - give and  be open to it.' only therein lies, true happiness. This was not something new but perhaps, the most repeated statements and the most taken-for-granted in our world so busy accruing money and fame, running away from the most basic to something grand and larger than life.

I particularly loved this one part where Albom (the author) asks Morrie that if he was granted a healthy body for a day, what would he do? what would you do, if you were ailing and had a day with a good health? I would fly off to some country on my 'to-visit' list with my family, my best friends and spend a day with them doing anything.

But Morrie did not select any exotic destination or celebrity moments, he instead chose a simple breakfast, a lunch with family and friends at his house, a swim, a dance, a chat, a conversation, a discussion and dinner with his people again, right there in the city in which he had lived for most of his life. He could see the specialness in the ordinary. Most of us dont. I dont and probably, that is the reason why all of us are so dissatisfied. always craving for something more but we dont know what.

I also refreshed another important learning: Man is a social animal. I was taught this in my primary school but somewhere with my experiences with people made me dislike the species. my own species. i had carefully picked my set of people and conveniently declared the rest as greedy, selfish, immature, foolish etc. But Morrie told me a secret yesterday. He said,"You need people to help you with your stuff when you're born and then when you're old and frail and most people know this. But i'll tell you a secret that you need people even in the between". There it is! So simple! and key to happiness.

How did i ever imagine happiness on my isolated island? Here, I am also reminded of this movie 'Into the Wild' and the crux of the movie was "Happiness is real only when it is shared". Again said by someone on his deathbed and who was on a mission to find what is life and what is happiness.

I remember as a kid, i always only saw the good in everybody i came across. It was easy. It was right there, so clear. Its easy to love. real easy to give. Then, i grew up! and complexities grew. i was told and unfortunately, i started believing that world is a bad, bad place. people are mean and selfish, so BEWARE!

So i was always on my guard, cautious and unwilling to open myself up to anyone. Scared that they might read me, know me and abuse my existence. After reading the book, i mourn over the time i have lost and wonderful people i have missed because of this belief.

This was probably one of the biggest conflict i had. What is this about the world and people? What do they want and why? I realized i was out of focus, the question is what is this world and what is me? what do i want and why? and i have these answers!

He makes an excellent point when he says:


 Life is a series of back and forth(Tension of the opposites). You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted...

Simple to understand, isnt it?

Inspire : Influence

I fall into the category of easily influenced people and interestingly, what influences me inspires me (i am not sure if  this is the way for everyone but i know a few people for whom it is not). I've had several discussions on merits and demerits of this habit and yet, i am not sure whether it is a good or a bad thing and i do not really want to know any more because i am quiet enjoying dwelling on this ambiguity. One good thing is I find inspiration very easily if i am seeking one at all.

Like for this blog, my inspiration was a classmate of mine from my grad college. Zainab . I absolutely love her style of writing. Actually, I am not sure if there is one that she adheres to and this is perhaps the best part! I love her posts, her topics, her choice of words and usage, her thoughts and her ideas and how with such great ease she unfolds the layers of complex, entangled emotions. Her writing is very honest and humble and refreshing unlike a lot of others around. What i like about her blog is that it is all about her expressions and is not trying in any way to impress (somehow, i find that need to impress and get 'so many' followers with a lot of bloggers)e. I simply love reading her!

With me it is people who do this to me the most. I know it can adversely impact if it is not checked and kept within the limits but then i really cannot set a limit to this. How can i set a limit to my source of inspiration? i would like to get the maximum out of it? but having said this, i also realize that being inspired by someone from your own species and by, say nature for example, is very different. In the former, you run a risk of losing yourself in the quest to become like him/her. Got to be careful.

And so, even if in the English vocabulary, 'influence' and 'inspire' may not be interchangeable (or they maybe. i am not sure), in my life, i am sure they are. Interesting, isn't it, how we construct our own personal vocab!

An observation, a silly one perhaps that both 'inspire' and 'influence' begin from 'i' and in the end, somewhere i guess this is what is important! i !

the storm before the silence and the hard work before the fun

nowadays, life feels like a day before a big race, only that each day feels like this. the anxiety and waiting, the fear of failure and want for triumphant, the desperation to race ahead of everyone and the desperation for the feel of the victory smile.

i am not suggesting there is anything amiss in my life at the moment but there is this strange sort of a wait for something to happen and i cannot clearly understand what! i am living each day waiting for the next but not being unhappy or dissatisfied.

there is a longing for something but cannot point it out. it feels like the storm before the silence and the hard work before the fun.

my reading habits

I like books which explore human relationships. something which has some drama infused in a subtle way. a tale which attempts to uncover the human behaviour, something which rides me through the labyrinths of human emotions. a book that describes the most routine roles (like wife, father etc), conventionally designed, but wrapped with complex layers of desires and dreams, morals and duties, struggles and victories.

generally, such books end rather abruptly with you never knowing what happened later in his/her life. these stories usually take one major life event/incident as the plot with multiple side plots, which are never closed in the book. for example, a woman with a perfect family of a husband and three children, suddenly finds herself as a co-chair at a gala event. hereafter, this god-fearing, pious, sensitive soul starts off an extra marital affair followed by another brief period of longing for her ex-boyfriend. however, by the end of the book, this event is successful and her life is sorted.

now, what I would like to know is what happened when she encountered these two extra marital partners later in life? were there nights when she sat up and cried? did she ever contemplate telling her husband the truth or even suicide? how did she patch up with her best friend with whom she had fought? how did her kids grow up to be? did she have another affair?

i know it is impossible to contain the answers to all these or rather a lifetime in a fiction book but then these are the remnants after the story has evaporated. I, for one, can relate to such characters instantly and so i actually think of how his/her life would have progressed had it been a true story. moreover, the characters and the events in their lives are so routine and everyday (unlike something say a sci-fic novel) that it could be the story of your neighbour or even say your best friend. who knows!

yeah, maybe you'll say that perhaps i should read a biography or an autobiography as it contains the entire life of an individual. i say it lacks the much needed drama and emotional twist. somehow, it does not move me.

and for the kind of books i like, the stories are made up of the usual life stuff - childhood, parents, best friends, siblings, romance, marriage, kids, ex-s, job, emotions, dreams, achievements, failures, but then i enjoy these. so while the basic ingredients remain the same, each story is a different concoction. each of these stir me differently and ooze out different emotions. however, all of them, help me realize myself a little more, discover those sub conscience thoughts, unveil the consequences of my current actions in the future or present me with a clearer window to see the how and why of my past decisions. yes, and that means i think a lot!! even unnecessarily!

Some of the recent books i have enjoyed:

1) Connections - Sheila O'Flanagan

2) A Summer Affair - Elin Hilderbrand

3) Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

4) Committed - Elizabeth Gilbert

5) P S I Love You - Cecelia Ahern

6) Pride & Prejudice - Jane Austen

7) Wish You Were Here - Cecelia Ahern

8) Letters to Sam - Gottlieb

this is me! :) the drama queen, as jen puts it! ;)

in love with love!

i am an hopeless romantic and have this eerie ability to find romance in the most mundane and routine stuff (this line is straight out of the book i wrote for my sweetheart!). i fall into the category of people who believe that love has the power to change just about anything and is the most essential to human survival. i will not blame you if you now imagine a starry-eyed me with a pink dress and twinkling eyes, holding a rose in my hand and gazing smilingly at a man! just minus the pink dress and the red rose please and the remaining is almost on target 'me'!

i am obsessed with the idea of having that one person to share my fears and dreams with, who would stand witness to my failures and achievements and efforts and hardwork, who would embrace me no matter what just because there is some inexplicable, divine bond he shares with me. someone with whom i could talk about my favourite book and characters and give my version of the plot and people and he would listen and respond! someone whose hand i could comfortably hold while being engrossed in a movie ( i hate watching movies alone!).

someone with whom i can silently walk the beach and just know that my presence to me and his to me is as calming as the virgin beach and fishes in the sea.

and there are so many more images i have created and dreams i have weaved over the years, ignoring all break-up lessons and heartaches. love is the most powerful - i have been guarding this belief somewhere in my complicated brain and fighting the world's pessimism and conventions on the myth called love. i stand by the power of love!

however, there are times when i wish i hadn't nurtured such thoughts and like my close friend anje says, "..let it (love) remain a part of life and not heart of life" but then this wish does not last for more than a few hours and i am back to being the hopeless romantic. but i when i am in that i-wish-i-did-not-love-love , i boldly accuse all the mush i have grown up with - movies, books, tv series, songs etc and even now, in a perfectly sane mind, firmly opine that they have had a massive influence on my idea of love and life. but having said all this, i am happy that i am like this - a girl who would do anything for love and whether good or bad, is totally in love with love!

i must mention here one of the ways i calculate love (not necessarily the spouse love but love in general). given the stubborn person i am, if i sense a conflict or pick up a fight with someone, i completely throw the person out of my life. there is no trace of him/her thereafter to the degree that i wouldn't bother if something happens to him/her (yeah, i am insensitive or maybe even cruel at times). but if i have ever loved a person for even a minute in my life, i will try with all i can to have him/her with me till the end. that is love. it makes me want to go back to that soul in spite of whatever - WHATEVER.

and i know i have mentioned before that i hate cliches, this is perhaps one of the biggest cliche of my being. life, i say!

Most expensive hair cut!

Today, i got my most expensive haircut! i paid an exorbitant Rs 1103 for a cut at Loreal and trust me, it is worth every rupee! it is gorgeous and makes me look good and feels awesome!

I am super cautious about my hair and since my college, have always trusted them only to big brands. Yes, you get it right! i do believe that more a salon charges me, more good their styling will be and this has been true till date! Before this, my most expensive hair cut was for Rs 1000 at Dilshad's but i wasn't so happy with it.

:) a new hair cut makes me feel light(literally) and very happy because my hair is child-like and bouncy. it is like a well-mannered but mischievous kid, whose playfulness is apparent but does not get unruly (thanks to all the blow-drying!). My hair looks exactly like out of those high-end fashion magazines, carefully lifted off from one of those perfect models!

Oh! and another good thing happened! i got a job!

yiiipppiiieeee!!!!

but i am yet to confirm with them. may do it tomorrow. actually, the problem is just three days back, something more lucrative has come up but then its process has not even started and may take sometime. i dont think waiting for it and letting this opportunity in hand just waste is wise. came to this conclusion after an entire day of thinking.

So, mostly will be taking it up! i am so happy! :D..my prayers were answered! :D and i got my birthday gift! :D

My June!

I love the month of June. I like the sound of the word June, I love the weather with which it adorns the earth, I love the many new beginnings it presents me with - new academic year, new weather, new uniforms and books, new subjects to learn, new opportunities, new friends, new chance to grow(my birthday falls on the 12th of this beautiful month!). And it is half way mark through a year!

More than the smell of the wet earth, i love the pitter-patter sound of the rains. It is rejuvenating and pumps me up with a lot of positivity. Whenever i can, i sit by the window in house with my feet extended outwards, tickling with the touch of small, innocent raindrops and although, i hate living cliches but a cup of coffee in this setting makes it Utopia. I love the dark clouds and the thundering lights and they make each room so cosy and comfortable. sometimes, my dad puts on classic old songs or even instrumentals and i enjoy them very differently during rains.

Rains always give me a strong sense of hope and life. It makes me want to extend myself to the world and offer it something new like June does. I have this one funny habit since my childhood. One of the many things i wish for my birthday every year is that it rains. its part of my 'showers of blessings'! and celebrating my birthday in my house with my people over good food and lots of cake and talks and with rains outside-thats it! that is my perfect birthday!

It rained substantially today and the weather is happy and light and cool. The sky was blush pink and the green leaves and flowers danced freely like celebrating the onset of the monsoon this year. I was tempted to go for a walk in the rain but the view from my window kept me hooked throughout the showers and i switched to retro on some music channel. :) and then after sometime i made tea and then i made the dinner! my mum hopes it rains good this season, you know why!

and so i have this sense of ownership over June and she never lets me down! I love her!

welcome again, anje!

I am not the types to confront anyone no matter how simple or complicated or significant or insignificant the issue. Like i mentioned before, there are very few people close to me but then they KNOW me and know everything about me and all of them are well aware that i cannot confront.

This has proven to be bad for me because i have lost and distanced myself from some really precious people but only for a brief period. I, later, always make sure i have my people at any cost and saying 'sorry' and patching up is not a big price any ways. Yeah, definitely, if i can solve the misunderstanding (it is usually a misunderstanding and not even a serious issue!) in the first place then i don't even have to bear their absence but that is proving to be bit difficult at the moment. I am working on it.

And today was the reconciliation day with one of my darling friend, Anjelina. We have been friends since childhood and would walk to school everyday. She has been by my side during my teen years and patiently heard the details of my every crush and the 'this-is-it!-this-is-the-guy-for-me' affairs! Then, we used to have walks in our colony and played these silly but cute games about who got the maximum looks from the dudes! Ok, i know it is funny but we were hot-blooded teenagers! ;)

She is the most easily adorable person and has a wacky, absolutely crazy sense of humour. With her around, I bet you cannot be not laughing for more than a minute! and in spite of such intense love and admiration for her, we were apart for a year due to a silly misunderstanding.

It was easy getting back though. All it took was one phone call and we were back to our usual selves. I just love her and love her love for life and her courage and her style! she is the sort of girl who inspires me and makes me happy about life! :)

was just thinking how simple it is, sometimes, to get back to some people. for the past five months i was contemplating talking to her but was reluctant because i was unsure of her reaction. feared that things may get worse but the impulsive individual that i am, i just called her today. actually, i had to call her today and i am happy i did!

got a friend back! :) had been missing her for a long time now!

cheers to us, anje! love you heaps! xoxoxox

birthdays in adulthood!

My birthday is 11 days away and strangely, this year I am not as excited about it as i used to be. may be the current struggle to get an employment is overshadowing it or may be i have finally become a conventional adult, full of worries for future and present. dislike both.

for the past so many years now, usually after my mom's birthday in first week of may, i start the preparations to welcome my birthday. it is a VERY big day for me (every year!) and no kidding but i do feel like a princess! it is my day and i do everything my way!

i do not prefer the drink-and-party style of celebrating the birthday. i like to spend time with my select group of people (two important ones have been missing for the past two years now though!). i like it this way because it saves my time and effort to make one comfortable with the other or even with myself. and this may sound a bit arrogant but i cannot entertain, even in my fabulously happy mood, people i am not really fond of. it can get ugly because my discomfort is easily apparent.

so, almost a month in advance i start writing out my guest lists and plan activities - breakfast, lunch, dinner. and since it is usually a small gathering of really close people, i am allowed to demand gifts!

and a new birthday dress is a must! i love shopping for it!

and so this is how it usually goes but this year, i have no guest lists and no plans, no material gift demands - :( - except 'just pray that i get a job!'

guess, this is what 'growing up' is all about!

and let peace be! ;)

and i am happy! and i am so proud of myself! :) i stood by what i wanted and got it!

have left that terrible job and now will try for a new one. :)

i am not sad and i am happy that i am not sad! :)

one day at a time

holding on. holding back. controlling. there is limit and when it goes beyond it, that will be it.

till then one day at a time.

missing my precious

i associate songs and movies and books and perfume fragrances and colours and cities and hang-out places (within a city) with different people and different times.

like today i was travelling from VT to chembur on harbour railway line and was crazily missing this guy ( i took the same route to meet him when he was here and very very frequently). like insane! like mad! it was such an overwhelming feeling, felt like something stuck in my throat refusing to be gulped down. it was very unsettling and it took quiet an effort to keep sitting in the train. nostalgia at its highest ever in my life.

after some time, i was distracted by the work i was going there for but the moment i was done, it hit me again with a thud. unwilling to contain it longer, i let go. i stopped pretending to be strong and mature and went with the flow. i allowed that feeling to carry me to to wherever it wanted me to go and whatever it wanted me to experience. my eyes were moist and body went numb. i was missing the dearest and the most important person in my life.

i had to put this feeling down in words. i wanted to document it because i have never missed anyone so much ever before. it still feels heavy and choked but i guess it will be for sometime now.

my best friend!

lighting candles in the church was something my best friend, jen does when in extreme emotions. sometimes even on routine days.

in early days, when we studied in different colleges, we would often meet in the evenings for our lengthy, profound discussions on life, love, friendship, career etc. it was relaxing and comforting. so, our such evening meets started with lighting candles in the church, followed by road-side junk treat and then camping outside her building for the heart-pouring session.

initially, jen would light the candles and i would wait and watch. then gradually, i shared a box of candles with her and soon, we had our own boxes. we would dedicate each candle for a beloved's well-being. having our own boxes allowed us to include more people in our prayers and we settled for it.

strangely, it felt good. i do not enjoy temple bhajans and church sermons and likes but lighting candle was not a religious act for me. i was connecting to a higher power along with people i love. i felt positively empowered and light in my heart. and jen walking beside me made me feel good.

then jen went off to another country for studies and is still there and i let go of candles in the church.

today, after introspecting and worrying (i dont like the latter but given my state of mind in the past few days, it is all i have been doing) for the entire day, i went on an evening walk. and i felt like lighting candles. so i did but without individual prayers for people. i just lit the entire box and murmured something about strength and will and courage and left. i felt good and guilty - good for having lit them today and guilty for doing it after so long.

on my way back, missed jen by my side. missed her counselling and concern. missed her assuring look and comforting smile.

i miss my best friend. for the longest time, i was scared to even call her my best friend. after all the importance and dependence, feared we would fight and part. we did fight sometimes but are still together. i think i have now moved above the childhood insecurity and fears about having a 'best friend'.

i am sure she is the one! ;)

weekend rambling

i wish talks and decisions about 'your career' could be carried out minus the hype and speculations, advises and experiences. its easy to know what you like to do and given the vast sea of opportunities, it is even easier to convert that 'like' into a career.

only if it was this simple. Money, time, health, stress, geographical location, family, marriage, children, satisfaction and the list does not end here. i am sure i am missing out on other crucial factors. there is just so much to think while deciding a career.

once in the desired industry, million other factors crop up. boss, salary, growth, colleagues and this list does not end here too. happened to me and left me completely clueless and panicked.

coming to me, sometimes i get irritated of myself. like really, how can anyone be so confused and about just everything! was cribbing about this to my brother a few days back and he gave me a weird reply, 'you are a gemini!'

SO? so what?

does not complete the puzzle, does it? i am sure there are many sorted and clear fellow geminis. i am not satisfied with his answer. i think this is more about the personality, not the starsign-blessed but the one you mould by your conditioning and experiences.

apart from all the career drama, some corner of my brain is also busy analysing this. why am i so confused ALWAYS! its such a miserable place to be in.

well, will definitely record the reason. hope i get it soon.

for now, my weekend is waiting with its arms wide open and i cannot resist it anymore. just want to feel its warmth and security! :) my new love is my weekend. just cannot do without it! ;)

Today God was busy with me!

So, God was busy with me today! :)

why? because i have been horribly upset in the past week and till yesterday. I have been crying, cribbing, complaining, contemplating and complexing my life. thought of changing my career, my job, my passion and all.

but today i took a little longer in bed. I knew i was late, HAD to read newspapers, had to mentally prepare myself but something came in and whispered, 'what the heck! for how long will you be going on like this like a zombie?relax'. so i slept longer and got up fresh.

Travelled comfortably, spoke with a smile, laughed and reached office. worked diligently and sincerely (that is the most i can do) and got done with the day.

got an unconfirmed good news! and i am the happiest! will publish it shortly! hope, hope, hope it is true!

met a friend from post-grad college and it was fun! talking and eating. sharing and consuling. cribbing and congratulating. hoping and knowning. it was calming.

today, it feels like i can manage. it is just a matter of time.

the day was good and i was surprised by the sudden turn of things and perception.

well, like i said, god was busy with me today! :)

just when i needed the most..

it surprises me how some people who come from good times in your life can miraculously energize you whenever they meet you. I, for one, tend to associate people in my life with also the phase of life i was going through when i met them. I guess its plain natural to do this.

so, after heaps and bundles of cribbing last week at job, today when a friend from my graduation college joined at my workplace, i was thrilled! it was like, after hours of crying last night, someone had put me on charging and i was all ready for anything anywhere! it was just the feeling i was waiting to experience at that office! overwhelming care and love, relevance and comfort, suddenly i knew where i came from and where i was going.

this power of human relationship amazes me! she probably does not even have the idea how beautiful she has made me feel today (i hope i can sustain it for sometime till i can build it myself).

:) she made me smile when i most needed to. owe her a lot! :)

after a week at first job

one week done at my first job and i dont know how to qualify the experience. good, bad, ugly, excellent, dont know.

I had decided to do journalism when i was in std 9 and i so firmly believed that journalism is a strong way to amend the wrong in the society. i really cared about the society then. I was so against the corporate and never considered MBA ever till date.

now, i am done with that overwhelming social concern. i am not sure if journalism is something i can do all my life. i am not sure what is that i can do all my life.

surprisingly, most of my friends-people who have known me for +5 years- tell me i am a 9to5 job person, who needs good money and free weekends. something which will ensure sufficient time for my family. i dont know.

i always thought i was professionally sorted. now, i dont know.

i feel very vulnerable at the moment. unsure and confused and i dont like it a bit.

songs

was listening to songs while writing the previous post. the songs were -

said i loved you but i lied - michael bolton

she's all i ever had - ricky martin

kiss me - six pence none the richer

you sang to me - marc anthony

listening to these after quite a while. was nice. like the second one.

just for records sake! ;)

playing host

i love playing host! i love having people over and cooking for them, arranging things perfectly for them. i love to see people have a good time and i love to be a part of it. i go out of my way to do all this.

i make good pasta and remember this one time last year when i had five of my graduation friends over and my parents were not home and i made pasta! pasta for seven people(seven including me and my brother) and i had these drinks and had made garlic bread at home. it was quite a task to cook and serve all of that and also, make sure they're having a good time. but i like that nervousness and pressure. its nice being reason and part of someone's happiness.

oh! and my house has to be prim and proper for all these occasions. all things in place and clean and shiny. clean bedsheets and happy curtains. lots of cushions and healthy splash of colours around. vibrant and cheerful. comfortable and cosy. clean and simple. so, there is a whole lot of efforts in the pre-cooking stage and includes all of this - cleaning rooms, arranging things and managing colours and music.

i am more a house-party sort of a person. i enjoy it more than lounges, pubs and clubs. it is not messy, not unnecessarily filled with strangers, loud music and lack of lights. house parties are cozy and comfortable, relevant and more fun. so,when i host one i am very particular about everything major, minor and minutest!

today, had one of the bestest friend from SIMC (my post-grad), Vinaya, over and since its summer, i had planned to start off with a mango shake. hakka noodles and manchurian. chocolate swiss roll and butterscotch ice-cream. the interesting part is all this was planned for lunch and she came home only by 9.30 pm (due to personal reasons!) and so, all of these were not served in the order i had planned but served nonetheless! :P

love this place! :)

Yes! i am obsessed with my blog! this is the n'th time i am visiting it today and this is third post i am writing today!!! i am thoroughly enjoying this!

i think you have to nurture your blog! take care of it and let it grow into this mature collection of your thoughts. i like this new template and the picture i have put up. just makes this page very cozy and comfortable and very 'me'! think of it, this does make a difference and is a reflection of you in a way and i am happy to finally be able to get this one correct this time! :)

Yea, by the look of this one, its easy to guess that i love the sea! there is something very mystic about the waves and apparent serenity of its surface. it always makes me wonder what else does it hold beneath and really, how much. i am sure if it could speak, it would have some very interesting tales for us! i love the sea and i love sitting at marine drive!

funny part is i dont like to talk much when i'm sitting there. i just observe the waters, the skyline, people and its nice. its being numb in a nice way.

well, coming back to the blog, i was a voracious blogger when i had an account on rediffiland but then i forgot its password and then started with this one. this one was created long time back but i never wrote.

but now i am and like crazy! oh, i love this blog! :)

Five Cities I would like to live in:

Five Cities I would like to live in:

1) Dublin, Ireland

2) Melboune, Australia

3) New York, USA

4) Paris, France

5) Chicago, USA

for the sake of records! the other day on facebook tried out this application which asked me the five cities i would like to live in and i picked up these five. I havent been to any of these places except melbourne. yeah, and something says each of these will be a good place to stay! :) maybe wrong at that one! but its nice to have a list of things like this!its fun!

Writing

It has always been the case with me. I can never keep up my blog. It's not that I dont enjoy writing or find it a difficult task. but somehow i can never be sure of the topic. I start thinking of my target-audience and what would they like to read! but i am not sure i have any target audience. I'm not suppose to have i believe.

this is a personal blog and so, the audience is me. It's about me expressing whatever i like and however i like. so, its high time i get rid of the topic-of-the blog conflict and just write!

writing is fun! its so therapeutic. and i really like the way elizabeth gilbert (i liked her book 'eat, pray, love') puts across her ideas on writing. its really simple. write, put it out there and let go!

http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/writing.htm - really inspiring!

so, its writing for the sake of writing! for the sake of the fun and fulfilment of writing itself! and the rest, will take care of itself.

Money business

Growing up as a child, I found that my arguments with my mom steered away from whether or not I should talk to boys, whether should i visit 'that' aunty's place, whether i should wear slit skirts or sleeveless tops to money, money and money!

I could successfully defend myself against a whole range of topic from friends to relatives, from clothes to food, from love to marriage and get my way out. But I really got stuck with this money business and how!

I am 23 and going to start my first full-time job in another five days and really where on one hand I fear losing out on a certain carefree behaviour and moments of glorious nothingness, on the other I cannot wait to hold my pay cheque! finally, I will be able to pay for myself and my wants-justified or extravagant.

i am always bothered by questions of morality and going by that, I don't think i come across (at least by this post) as a grounded, family person but this money business really fries me up and i am ready to close this issue once and for all in my life. So, goodbye to you, money-arguments. I am done done done with you.

Everyday

Everyday
everything flows in course
oblivious to your absence
same habits, same chores
same routes with memories old

Everyday
I volunteer to dive into them
to breathe in the air
which carried your fragrance
to hear my laughter
painted by your words

Everyday
it seems just like yesterday
when you pulled me close
and whispered your secrets
when i held your hand
and you kissed my forehead

Everyday
I hope a surprise
is on my way
you come uninformed
and take me away

Everyday
our beautiful past dreams of
our dazzling future
with the present smilingly approving under

sparkling shower of blessings

Everyday
I open my eyes
to still find me stuck in old memories
I look around to see
if someone else mourns with me but

unfazed all elements be

Everyday
I sigh and wish my words

design a poetry

for you to unravel the mysteries

and hear the desires of an awaiting love

Everyday
My heart stands witness to this

and stroking me gently

whispers to me

"Feed your love courage
and your desires patience
Hold on to those dreams
Erase all doubts and worries
For you'll are meant to be."