in early days, when we studied in different colleges, we would often meet in the evenings for our lengthy, profound discussions on life, love, friendship, career etc. it was relaxing and comforting. so, our such evening meets started with lighting candles in the church, followed by road-side junk treat and then camping outside her building for the heart-pouring session.
initially, jen would light the candles and i would wait and watch. then gradually, i shared a box of candles with her and soon, we had our own boxes. we would dedicate each candle for a beloved's well-being. having our own boxes allowed us to include more people in our prayers and we settled for it.
strangely, it felt good. i do not enjoy temple bhajans and church sermons and likes but lighting candle was not a religious act for me. i was connecting to a higher power along with people i love. i felt positively empowered and light in my heart. and jen walking beside me made me feel good.
then jen went off to another country for studies and is still there and i let go of candles in the church.
today, after introspecting and worrying (i dont like the latter but given my state of mind in the past few days, it is all i have been doing) for the entire day, i went on an evening walk. and i felt like lighting candles. so i did but without individual prayers for people. i just lit the entire box and murmured something about strength and will and courage and left. i felt good and guilty - good for having lit them today and guilty for doing it after so long.
on my way back, missed jen by my side. missed her counselling and concern. missed her assuring look and comforting smile.
i miss my best friend. for the longest time, i was scared to even call her my best friend. after all the importance and dependence, feared we would fight and part. we did fight sometimes but are still together. i think i have now moved above the childhood insecurity and fears about having a 'best friend'.
i am sure she is the one! ;)
1 comment:
:) sweet...
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