birthdays in adulthood!

My birthday is 11 days away and strangely, this year I am not as excited about it as i used to be. may be the current struggle to get an employment is overshadowing it or may be i have finally become a conventional adult, full of worries for future and present. dislike both.

for the past so many years now, usually after my mom's birthday in first week of may, i start the preparations to welcome my birthday. it is a VERY big day for me (every year!) and no kidding but i do feel like a princess! it is my day and i do everything my way!

i do not prefer the drink-and-party style of celebrating the birthday. i like to spend time with my select group of people (two important ones have been missing for the past two years now though!). i like it this way because it saves my time and effort to make one comfortable with the other or even with myself. and this may sound a bit arrogant but i cannot entertain, even in my fabulously happy mood, people i am not really fond of. it can get ugly because my discomfort is easily apparent.

so, almost a month in advance i start writing out my guest lists and plan activities - breakfast, lunch, dinner. and since it is usually a small gathering of really close people, i am allowed to demand gifts!

and a new birthday dress is a must! i love shopping for it!

and so this is how it usually goes but this year, i have no guest lists and no plans, no material gift demands - :( - except 'just pray that i get a job!'

guess, this is what 'growing up' is all about!

and let peace be! ;)

and i am happy! and i am so proud of myself! :) i stood by what i wanted and got it!

have left that terrible job and now will try for a new one. :)

i am not sad and i am happy that i am not sad! :)

one day at a time

holding on. holding back. controlling. there is limit and when it goes beyond it, that will be it.

till then one day at a time.

missing my precious

i associate songs and movies and books and perfume fragrances and colours and cities and hang-out places (within a city) with different people and different times.

like today i was travelling from VT to chembur on harbour railway line and was crazily missing this guy ( i took the same route to meet him when he was here and very very frequently). like insane! like mad! it was such an overwhelming feeling, felt like something stuck in my throat refusing to be gulped down. it was very unsettling and it took quiet an effort to keep sitting in the train. nostalgia at its highest ever in my life.

after some time, i was distracted by the work i was going there for but the moment i was done, it hit me again with a thud. unwilling to contain it longer, i let go. i stopped pretending to be strong and mature and went with the flow. i allowed that feeling to carry me to to wherever it wanted me to go and whatever it wanted me to experience. my eyes were moist and body went numb. i was missing the dearest and the most important person in my life.

i had to put this feeling down in words. i wanted to document it because i have never missed anyone so much ever before. it still feels heavy and choked but i guess it will be for sometime now.

my best friend!

lighting candles in the church was something my best friend, jen does when in extreme emotions. sometimes even on routine days.

in early days, when we studied in different colleges, we would often meet in the evenings for our lengthy, profound discussions on life, love, friendship, career etc. it was relaxing and comforting. so, our such evening meets started with lighting candles in the church, followed by road-side junk treat and then camping outside her building for the heart-pouring session.

initially, jen would light the candles and i would wait and watch. then gradually, i shared a box of candles with her and soon, we had our own boxes. we would dedicate each candle for a beloved's well-being. having our own boxes allowed us to include more people in our prayers and we settled for it.

strangely, it felt good. i do not enjoy temple bhajans and church sermons and likes but lighting candle was not a religious act for me. i was connecting to a higher power along with people i love. i felt positively empowered and light in my heart. and jen walking beside me made me feel good.

then jen went off to another country for studies and is still there and i let go of candles in the church.

today, after introspecting and worrying (i dont like the latter but given my state of mind in the past few days, it is all i have been doing) for the entire day, i went on an evening walk. and i felt like lighting candles. so i did but without individual prayers for people. i just lit the entire box and murmured something about strength and will and courage and left. i felt good and guilty - good for having lit them today and guilty for doing it after so long.

on my way back, missed jen by my side. missed her counselling and concern. missed her assuring look and comforting smile.

i miss my best friend. for the longest time, i was scared to even call her my best friend. after all the importance and dependence, feared we would fight and part. we did fight sometimes but are still together. i think i have now moved above the childhood insecurity and fears about having a 'best friend'.

i am sure she is the one! ;)

weekend rambling

i wish talks and decisions about 'your career' could be carried out minus the hype and speculations, advises and experiences. its easy to know what you like to do and given the vast sea of opportunities, it is even easier to convert that 'like' into a career.

only if it was this simple. Money, time, health, stress, geographical location, family, marriage, children, satisfaction and the list does not end here. i am sure i am missing out on other crucial factors. there is just so much to think while deciding a career.

once in the desired industry, million other factors crop up. boss, salary, growth, colleagues and this list does not end here too. happened to me and left me completely clueless and panicked.

coming to me, sometimes i get irritated of myself. like really, how can anyone be so confused and about just everything! was cribbing about this to my brother a few days back and he gave me a weird reply, 'you are a gemini!'

SO? so what?

does not complete the puzzle, does it? i am sure there are many sorted and clear fellow geminis. i am not satisfied with his answer. i think this is more about the personality, not the starsign-blessed but the one you mould by your conditioning and experiences.

apart from all the career drama, some corner of my brain is also busy analysing this. why am i so confused ALWAYS! its such a miserable place to be in.

well, will definitely record the reason. hope i get it soon.

for now, my weekend is waiting with its arms wide open and i cannot resist it anymore. just want to feel its warmth and security! :) my new love is my weekend. just cannot do without it! ;)

Today God was busy with me!

So, God was busy with me today! :)

why? because i have been horribly upset in the past week and till yesterday. I have been crying, cribbing, complaining, contemplating and complexing my life. thought of changing my career, my job, my passion and all.

but today i took a little longer in bed. I knew i was late, HAD to read newspapers, had to mentally prepare myself but something came in and whispered, 'what the heck! for how long will you be going on like this like a zombie?relax'. so i slept longer and got up fresh.

Travelled comfortably, spoke with a smile, laughed and reached office. worked diligently and sincerely (that is the most i can do) and got done with the day.

got an unconfirmed good news! and i am the happiest! will publish it shortly! hope, hope, hope it is true!

met a friend from post-grad college and it was fun! talking and eating. sharing and consuling. cribbing and congratulating. hoping and knowning. it was calming.

today, it feels like i can manage. it is just a matter of time.

the day was good and i was surprised by the sudden turn of things and perception.

well, like i said, god was busy with me today! :)

just when i needed the most..

it surprises me how some people who come from good times in your life can miraculously energize you whenever they meet you. I, for one, tend to associate people in my life with also the phase of life i was going through when i met them. I guess its plain natural to do this.

so, after heaps and bundles of cribbing last week at job, today when a friend from my graduation college joined at my workplace, i was thrilled! it was like, after hours of crying last night, someone had put me on charging and i was all ready for anything anywhere! it was just the feeling i was waiting to experience at that office! overwhelming care and love, relevance and comfort, suddenly i knew where i came from and where i was going.

this power of human relationship amazes me! she probably does not even have the idea how beautiful she has made me feel today (i hope i can sustain it for sometime till i can build it myself).

:) she made me smile when i most needed to. owe her a lot! :)

after a week at first job

one week done at my first job and i dont know how to qualify the experience. good, bad, ugly, excellent, dont know.

I had decided to do journalism when i was in std 9 and i so firmly believed that journalism is a strong way to amend the wrong in the society. i really cared about the society then. I was so against the corporate and never considered MBA ever till date.

now, i am done with that overwhelming social concern. i am not sure if journalism is something i can do all my life. i am not sure what is that i can do all my life.

surprisingly, most of my friends-people who have known me for +5 years- tell me i am a 9to5 job person, who needs good money and free weekends. something which will ensure sufficient time for my family. i dont know.

i always thought i was professionally sorted. now, i dont know.

i feel very vulnerable at the moment. unsure and confused and i dont like it a bit.