I dream Delhi ...

.. and there is a constant ache to experience it once again.
That city intoxicates me in a nice way.

Soon, I hope. 

Like coming back home

Coming back here to lighten myself after a long time, probably two months now. I guess this is how I would feel when I next come to India. I miss home!

The first three weeks here were a dream - happiness and love all day, everyday and I was in Chicago then and soon after that, I shifted to where I should belong - Bloomington, Indiana.

It isn't anything like I had imagined. It is pretty but the small town lacks the vigour and excitement of a city and I am such a city-person. Weird thing this life is, I always thought myself to be a country person, the quite hinterlands always charmed me but then looks like I am not made for that sort of life. Coming back to the first sentence, I don't remember what I had imagined after all and what expectations I had. Well, no one told it will be easy after all. So, guess I really can't complain but I do!

I can feel and sort of realize that a major shift in my priorities have happened sometime now. It messes me up to think of it sometimes but then ignoring it wouldn't be a wise thing to do too. Struggling to find that balance. It is hard.

And yes, miss home like crazy. I dreamt of Delhi last night! How I love that city!

I've made a very good friend here from the Netherlands. Always with a patient ear and a warm heart. Thank God for her and then I of course, have good "Indian friends" too and Oh! yes they are so important to keep sane.

But there is something amiss. I guess there always is and especially with me, I don't really understand why this feeling is so frequent. Happiness looks tough sometimes.

I am learning so much about myself and about others in my life at this point. It is a crazy realization of a million important things all at once! I fear it will kill me someday soon though!

I know I am being discreet about many things here and I wish I could just write down every single word that comes to my mind the first time but then not being instinctive is a part of my learning here.

Introspection happening BIG TIME. Crying happening BIG TIME. Realization (of a million things all together!) happening BIG TIME. Nostalgia happening BIG TIME. Hope happening BIG TIME.

Life is....
(I don't know anything anymore about it. Trying to figure out.)

A new blog

Its been three days since I landed here in Chicago and yes, America is overwhelming, especially with respect to food and shopping! 

I thought it would be interesting to start a new blog to record 'all things American'. Here is this link: http://postcardfromamerica.wordpress.com

:) 

*I dunno*

It is almost 1am and I cant sleep. Sitting in my living room, on the extremely comfortable black sofa I love with the tv playing some music. I have kept it on just for company. As a distraction, in case my crying becomes too loud to wake up my parents.

Why am I crying? Just a day more and almost two years without having my parents and my brother (half my life dwells in him) in vicinity is at the moment, unbearable. I have stayed away from home before at Australia, Delhi and Pune but Australia trip was short enough, just 6 weeks, and Delhi and Pune are within comfortable travel distance from Mumbai.

But this time, it is for a longer time and farther than any of these three places. A progression of sorts. I hope.
It will be tough, I know but I also know I will be fine and settle down fine and make peace with the arrangement. But right now, just a glance around the house makes me cry. It could never be easy. Going away.

I love my mom, dad and brother. They know it, I know and I will know just how much soon enough.

Just 'something'

I am pretty blank these days. Often find myself just sitting and staring at a particular, mostly insignificant, thing  acting like a point of convergence of all my energies and thoughts. Mind is buzzing with 'something'.

There are no questions really. Just a sense of 'something'. I don't know.

I guess it is the travel anxiety. Must be. What other convincing justification than the worries and fears of travelling to a foreign land? But I think there is something more too. I don't know. Maybe not.

One thing I've definitely realized -- I get angry looking at those large, black bags lying in my room with a million things around to be packed in it. Most of it I have but somehow and from somewhere, they just keep adding on! I am so irritated with it and the mess it creates! Either I go soon or not at all -- either of the two needs to happen and soon.

Another thing I find myself doing while just sitting is making a list of things I will miss. Morning coffee with mom. Evening news with dad. Sunday breakfasts with family. Lying on 'my bed' and reading a book. Sitting at the window and talking on the phone. Looking outside to a familiar scenery. Football with brother... And I must stop now! This so much of time on hand is making me miserable. I know I will miss all this and so much more but this constant feeling of I-am-going-to-miss makes me angry. I cannot even not do it because it is almost involuntary.

Baah..and I have started ranting again! I guess I am just preparing myself to be homesick! O homesick!

So then coming back to the point, I don't think I am blank. In fact I resemble a canvas of unharmonious colours running a riot. That didn't make sense, did it? I should probably just stop. 

Its here!

Excited. Restless. Homesick (already!). Tensed. Anxious. Happy.

It is the final countdown to the 'new beginning' now. Have been waiting for it since long and it feels good to be walking the path I have dreamt about for the past 1.5 years. Feels good to have achieved but then it is only the beginning. Gotta keep walking!

Cheers to all the new in store! 

*butterflies in the stomach*

Friend list, old style and new

I keep my old notebooks. At least the interesting ones with doodles almost on every page and scribbled thoughts on the last pages.

Going through some of them, I was reminded of this one habit I had as a child - of listing down the names of my closest friends. I remember it doing every year, sometimes sitting in the classroom, sometimes at home late at night. Sometimes even more than once a year. Helped me stay clear with who means what and why (although the why was usually unwritten). 

It was funny going through it. Refreshed so many names, ignited so many memories. Still in touch with most of them but a few important ones (at least then) lost somewhere. Strangely, given the me that I am, I feel no regrets. Eerily comforting. 

Tempted to try this listing exercise tonight too. However, might do it on the notepad on my phone. Friend list, new style!